Emilee

You may find me cruel. I make no excuses for myself. You may find me horrible. I agree. But the point between the present/past and the future is something that I hope will illicit a change that can be noted, and be good. (My disclaimer)

First off let me make this clear. I ADORE Emilee. With my whole heart. She has been the ray of sunshine during some dark times. One time, when I was younger, I ran away from home. She followed me and held me while I cried. She said the sweetest things and gave me hope. I'm not sure if she remembers that. NO MATTER what I say to her, she still looks at me with adoration and love. I cannot believe it sometimes. How could someone so young show such love? She is amazing. Of course I may be prejudice but I find that she is very intelligent and quick to grasp concepts. She also seems to be able to understand deep subjects, and even comes up with her own clever ideas. She is beautiful inside and out, and will grow up to be incredibly charming.

Now heres the complication. I am terribly mean to her. I am not sure why. Most of the time I have a hard time realizing that shes there because I still see her as a little baby. Or an annoying little kid in my things. On the rare moments when I am kind she adores me to no end. But I seem to forget this most of the time, stuck in my own little world with my stupid problems which aren't nearly as important as she is.

I've been attempting to be kind lately. A harder task I don't know that I've come across. But I think the most IMPORTANT person I need to learn to be kind to, always, is Emilee. And I know without a doubt she deserves it.

The other day an idea came into my mind. A way of looking at things that makes sense to me, and excites me at the same time.

If I look at her as a sort of apprentice to me. In that she will become what I teach her to become. I realize a lot of this is the subconscious like how I act/treat her so of course I need to evaluate myself a whole bunch. But if I think of the skills she will need, think of the ideas that will make her a better person, show her the tricks to dealing with situations, perhaps I can truly say I've done my best. Of course images in my head of fanciful books and such give it an exciting era, but looking at it this way I think is how I can keep my focus. And make sure that I analyze my interactions with her to influence her for good.

Writing this out helps to organize my thoughts. I shall attempt to do this, but I make no promises.

I love you Emerson. <3

Tired

Do not disregard this because I'm young. I believe I have the capacity to see things most my age wouldn't.
I'm getting tired. Tired of the endless battle for a cause that fails to stay at the front of my mind. All I know is that I must keep fighting or everything will have been meaningless. Fighting is a constant exhaustion. Fighting in the sense where I'm keeping full control of myself. Doing what I need to do, what I must do. Sometimes I forget my objective, I forget what I'm fighting for, and I see the world around me as so dejected. So endless. People go and go and go, but for what purpose? What drives them to keep pressing on? Are they all just convincing themselves that they're happy with pills and distractions? Are they as tired as I am?

Crying

Crying is a strange thing. A little whole along your eye leaks water. It trickles down your cheek in two perfect lines and drops of the chin leaving a little wet dot on the floor. Too many tears and you start to get a puddle, with the tiny tear droplets all running together in agony. But there is a reason behind this occurrence. Someone is down. Sad. Depressed. Hurt. Etc. It's releasing of the emotions, "letting go." And it's seen as a weakness.
Do I cry? Rarely. I force myself to be strong, but for what purpose? Does it really matter how strong I appear when I'm torn up inside?
Oh cruel fate to have caught up with me now. Now you bring your hurt and heartache and tears. One day soon I will conquer you, and not care enough to even want to laugh in your face! But tonight, tonight the tears want to fall.

Best

You should never accept yourself being less than your best.

Judgement

is it wrong to make judgements of things easily seen? We walk around scared to see the
obvious truth. But is noticing this truth "judging?" In other words, is it right, or wrong?
Is it better to be like a bubble, not noticing anything, or to face truth? What if what you
come up with is terribly disturbing? Does that mean you are judging others? Is it wrong to
be intuitive? Maybe its only wrong if you share your findings with those who haven't the
abilty to see the truth. What if I welcome being judge? I welcome it because it helps me change. To know what I need to work on and be better.

Matthew 7:
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Mirror

Ever walk by a mirror and get mesmerized looking at yourself? I have, many a times. It's like I'm trying to understand myself. Sometimes I catch myself looking so lifeless and I wonder if I really go around looking like that. Other times I'm puzzled by how odd I look. As if I can't seem to see me outside of myself. I see all my flaws and all my swirls of thoughts that make no sense. I think of horrid things I've done and wonder if it can be seen on my face, gazing in my eyes. It's like the person in the mirror is someone completely cut off from what's inside me. And yet I know she's part of me, and I desire to know her. How do I love the person in the mirror?

Suicide

I think suicide can be defined in two words; no hope.
Do you have hope? Even a tiny sliver? Share it. You never know who may be at the end of their rope.