Emilee

You may find me cruel. I make no excuses for myself. You may find me horrible. I agree. But the point between the present/past and the future is something that I hope will illicit a change that can be noted, and be good. (My disclaimer)

First off let me make this clear. I ADORE Emilee. With my whole heart. She has been the ray of sunshine during some dark times. One time, when I was younger, I ran away from home. She followed me and held me while I cried. She said the sweetest things and gave me hope. I'm not sure if she remembers that. NO MATTER what I say to her, she still looks at me with adoration and love. I cannot believe it sometimes. How could someone so young show such love? She is amazing. Of course I may be prejudice but I find that she is very intelligent and quick to grasp concepts. She also seems to be able to understand deep subjects, and even comes up with her own clever ideas. She is beautiful inside and out, and will grow up to be incredibly charming.

Now heres the complication. I am terribly mean to her. I am not sure why. Most of the time I have a hard time realizing that shes there because I still see her as a little baby. Or an annoying little kid in my things. On the rare moments when I am kind she adores me to no end. But I seem to forget this most of the time, stuck in my own little world with my stupid problems which aren't nearly as important as she is.

I've been attempting to be kind lately. A harder task I don't know that I've come across. But I think the most IMPORTANT person I need to learn to be kind to, always, is Emilee. And I know without a doubt she deserves it.

The other day an idea came into my mind. A way of looking at things that makes sense to me, and excites me at the same time.

If I look at her as a sort of apprentice to me. In that she will become what I teach her to become. I realize a lot of this is the subconscious like how I act/treat her so of course I need to evaluate myself a whole bunch. But if I think of the skills she will need, think of the ideas that will make her a better person, show her the tricks to dealing with situations, perhaps I can truly say I've done my best. Of course images in my head of fanciful books and such give it an exciting era, but looking at it this way I think is how I can keep my focus. And make sure that I analyze my interactions with her to influence her for good.

Writing this out helps to organize my thoughts. I shall attempt to do this, but I make no promises.

I love you Emerson. <3

Tired

Do not disregard this because I'm young. I believe I have the capacity to see things most my age wouldn't.
I'm getting tired. Tired of the endless battle for a cause that fails to stay at the front of my mind. All I know is that I must keep fighting or everything will have been meaningless. Fighting is a constant exhaustion. Fighting in the sense where I'm keeping full control of myself. Doing what I need to do, what I must do. Sometimes I forget my objective, I forget what I'm fighting for, and I see the world around me as so dejected. So endless. People go and go and go, but for what purpose? What drives them to keep pressing on? Are they all just convincing themselves that they're happy with pills and distractions? Are they as tired as I am?

Crying

Crying is a strange thing. A little whole along your eye leaks water. It trickles down your cheek in two perfect lines and drops of the chin leaving a little wet dot on the floor. Too many tears and you start to get a puddle, with the tiny tear droplets all running together in agony. But there is a reason behind this occurrence. Someone is down. Sad. Depressed. Hurt. Etc. It's releasing of the emotions, "letting go." And it's seen as a weakness.
Do I cry? Rarely. I force myself to be strong, but for what purpose? Does it really matter how strong I appear when I'm torn up inside?
Oh cruel fate to have caught up with me now. Now you bring your hurt and heartache and tears. One day soon I will conquer you, and not care enough to even want to laugh in your face! But tonight, tonight the tears want to fall.

Best

You should never accept yourself being less than your best.

Judgement

is it wrong to make judgements of things easily seen? We walk around scared to see the
obvious truth. But is noticing this truth "judging?" In other words, is it right, or wrong?
Is it better to be like a bubble, not noticing anything, or to face truth? What if what you
come up with is terribly disturbing? Does that mean you are judging others? Is it wrong to
be intuitive? Maybe its only wrong if you share your findings with those who haven't the
abilty to see the truth. What if I welcome being judge? I welcome it because it helps me change. To know what I need to work on and be better.

Matthew 7:
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Mirror

Ever walk by a mirror and get mesmerized looking at yourself? I have, many a times. It's like I'm trying to understand myself. Sometimes I catch myself looking so lifeless and I wonder if I really go around looking like that. Other times I'm puzzled by how odd I look. As if I can't seem to see me outside of myself. I see all my flaws and all my swirls of thoughts that make no sense. I think of horrid things I've done and wonder if it can be seen on my face, gazing in my eyes. It's like the person in the mirror is someone completely cut off from what's inside me. And yet I know she's part of me, and I desire to know her. How do I love the person in the mirror?

Suicide

I think suicide can be defined in two words; no hope.
Do you have hope? Even a tiny sliver? Share it. You never know who may be at the end of their rope.

Movement

Sometimes praying, when I can feel God, I just want to stop and bask in the presence of God. But it doesn't work like that, and it puzzled me as to why not. What I came up with is an example. Which I hope makes sense. Say you are holding hands with another human. You can "feel" the other person so long as they are moving in some form. If you are both perfectly still, you can't necessarily tell if you are indeed holding something until you move, or it moves. I think this is the same with God. When you're thinking about him, speaking/praising him, you are "moving" him which is why you can feel him. But when you stop, you can't feel it, though he's always there.

Kindness

You're having a bad day. You woke up with a splitting head ache, the shower was cold, you spilled your coffee and was late to work. You get home and a family member reminds you that you left the milk out, yet again. You snap at him.
We've all been in the above situation at one time of another, and we've all gotten to our breaking point and snapped at an unsuspecting victim. But is this right? Is it ever "okay" to mistreat another human being? To treat them with anything but kindness?

Journey

I just did something very difficult. And as I sniff and wipe away tears, I know without a doubt it was the right thing. Though this doesn't make it anymore difficult. Funny after years of toying, knowing what I should do, I take care of it in a matter of minutes. Thank God for that. Now I have no excuses, nothing holding me back. This scares me to no end. I rarely give me all, and do my best in anything. This may take some getting used to but I'll be better for it. I have no doubt of that. So as I do my best to step away, I must battle to keep my fleeting thoughts from cascading out of control, especially when it will only prove as a stumbling block in my journey. To which I like the sound of that, my journey. =)

The War

If you've ever taken a history class you have learned about war. World War I & II made an impact on our world as many nations were apart of it. Civil War was one closer to home; we had brother fighting against brother.
Wars all have one thing in common. And that is that it isn't just two armies meeting in the middle of a field hashing away at each other until a victor arises and the war was ended. No, it is battle after battle until one day the other side is either wiped out, completely under subjection, or surrenders. With casualties on both sides, standing in the midst of strewn apart body parts, I can imagine the original "reason" for fighting escapes a person in light of the horror in which he is currently facing.
I think if we look at life as a war, and our troubles as battles, we can keep the focus on our objective rather than getting distracted and distressed by looking at the damage around us. If your objective is to live and love God, whenever we are struggling and overwhelmed by the "dead bodies" around us, we can stop, look up, and be renewed by Gods joy and grace. How many people could you get to follow you into battle without an objective? To me, life without the existence of God is meaningless. We must have a cause, we must have something to hope for.
Looking at troubles in the realm of the bigger picture I think can help one not only gain focus, but gain strength as well.
Win the battles; win the war.

Goodmorning

As I wake up, tired as ever, slightly annoyed, with my stomach singing it's familiar icky feeling, I realize that maybe I decided to go without naps a bit prematurely. I forgot that things are larger than life at night. I really shouldn't make decisions then. In any case, I will still continue on my no sugar and no fb quest. I must save no naps for a time when I don't have so many responsibilities that I need to legitly carry out.
This is Kandice, signing off.

21

I was reading somewhere that it takes 21 days to break a habit. I found this to insite a sort of challage in me, and am now attempting to find something to change for 21 days. I'm already on day 4 of no facebook, and am contemplating going the full 21 days. Not quite sure yet though, so don't hold me to it. I thought about going 21 days without taking a nap, but I would be incrediably irritable and my family may not appreicate that... Either way I'd like to regulate my sleep pattern in any case, therefore I might just do it. I'm already thinking of it as The Great 21, and am coming up with more things to add. How I do run with ideas, sigh.

1. Sugar (all types). Already completing Day 1 of this.
2. Facebook. Since I'm already a couple days into it I minds well go the full 21.
3. Naps. As much as I know I'm gonna hate and regret this, I'd like to see where I end up in 21 days.

Well, I think this is enough to make me wish I were never born. (not even in a dramatic sense)
PLEASE wish me luck, as I might just DIE!

Greetings

I created this blog in order to track my progress during the next couple months. Hopefully I will be able to see a change, but either way I look forward to my findings. Whether I have to cut myself off from everything I love, or go tracking into the forest by myself, I WILL change. And be better for it.

I'd like to add these few verses in that they caught my interest.

"14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me." Romans 7:14-20

Farewell for now,
Kandice Kastle