Emilee

You may find me cruel. I make no excuses for myself. You may find me horrible. I agree. But the point between the present/past and the future is something that I hope will illicit a change that can be noted, and be good. (My disclaimer)

First off let me make this clear. I ADORE Emilee. With my whole heart. She has been the ray of sunshine during some dark times. One time, when I was younger, I ran away from home. She followed me and held me while I cried. She said the sweetest things and gave me hope. I'm not sure if she remembers that. NO MATTER what I say to her, she still looks at me with adoration and love. I cannot believe it sometimes. How could someone so young show such love? She is amazing. Of course I may be prejudice but I find that she is very intelligent and quick to grasp concepts. She also seems to be able to understand deep subjects, and even comes up with her own clever ideas. She is beautiful inside and out, and will grow up to be incredibly charming.

Now heres the complication. I am terribly mean to her. I am not sure why. Most of the time I have a hard time realizing that shes there because I still see her as a little baby. Or an annoying little kid in my things. On the rare moments when I am kind she adores me to no end. But I seem to forget this most of the time, stuck in my own little world with my stupid problems which aren't nearly as important as she is.

I've been attempting to be kind lately. A harder task I don't know that I've come across. But I think the most IMPORTANT person I need to learn to be kind to, always, is Emilee. And I know without a doubt she deserves it.

The other day an idea came into my mind. A way of looking at things that makes sense to me, and excites me at the same time.

If I look at her as a sort of apprentice to me. In that she will become what I teach her to become. I realize a lot of this is the subconscious like how I act/treat her so of course I need to evaluate myself a whole bunch. But if I think of the skills she will need, think of the ideas that will make her a better person, show her the tricks to dealing with situations, perhaps I can truly say I've done my best. Of course images in my head of fanciful books and such give it an exciting era, but looking at it this way I think is how I can keep my focus. And make sure that I analyze my interactions with her to influence her for good.

Writing this out helps to organize my thoughts. I shall attempt to do this, but I make no promises.

I love you Emerson. <3